The last day—the last hour—of 2009. As I begin this blog it is 11:04 p.m., which means that if I want to log this as a 2009 entry, I have exactly 56 minutes to reflect, type, edit, and post it. Time is of the essence, and this sense of urgency weighs heavily on me now. But more often than not, one minute slips into the next as naturally as breathing in and out. Why is it that so many of the things that are so essential to living well are the same things that are so easily taken for granted? Maybe that’s why we need milestones like birthdays and new years. At times like these it seems natural to ask: what has this year been about, and what do I hope for in the new year?
2009 has been about seeking clarity. 2009 has been about asking better questions. 2009 has been about refusing lesser dreams. 2009 has been about struggle and overcoming. 2009 has been about growth and healing. 2009 has been about facing the truth—in myself and in relationships with others. 2009 has been about rediscovering joy.
And 2010?
2010 is not about moving in new directions—that was last year. 2010 will be about continuing—digging in and going deeper. So I hope that in 2010 I can build on the growth that was realized in 2009 and discover horizons that stretch beyond my current mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional boundaries. I hope that in 2010 I can deepen the relationships that I already have. I hope that in 2010 I can run more, and dance more. And I hope that in 2010 I will keep seeking (and finding!) the more abundant life.
Happy new year!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Love, awakened and aroused
I had a little revelation the other day as I was journaling. For the last couple weeks I've been thinking about Song of Solomon. Specifically the verse that says: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and and by the does of the field. Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." I'm not sure I've ever really understood that, but I think now after some of my experiences in various relationships, I understand it more clearly.
I think that text is an invitation to just wait for love to bloom on its own—don't force yourself to feel something when your heart isn't fully onboard, and don't try to convince others that you are right for them if their hearts are not willing to accept you either. I see Song of Solomon describing the beauty of a flower that opens at the proper time. It's not forced open and therefore destroyed.
I still believe I'll get married one day, though I don't yet know who I'll end up with. But whoever he is, I believe that our love will not be forced or strained because its time will have come. Sometimes it is okay to just follow your heart.
I think that text is an invitation to just wait for love to bloom on its own—don't force yourself to feel something when your heart isn't fully onboard, and don't try to convince others that you are right for them if their hearts are not willing to accept you either. I see Song of Solomon describing the beauty of a flower that opens at the proper time. It's not forced open and therefore destroyed.
I still believe I'll get married one day, though I don't yet know who I'll end up with. But whoever he is, I believe that our love will not be forced or strained because its time will have come. Sometimes it is okay to just follow your heart.
Tiny Moments
"You need to be more open. You've been guarding your heart for so long you don't know how to receive. Relax... Enjoy..." I was talking with a friend the other day and these were the words that were coming at me from her end. If only I could say it's the first time I've heard them. It's not. If only I could say that she's way off base and out of line for even making that kind of comment. She's not. And if only I could flip a switch and simply change. I can't. At least not overnight.
There are a million ways to say it—"A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step"; "Rome wasn't built in a day"; "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it"; "Every mighty oak was once a nut that stood its ground"— But all the cliche's dissolve into tiny moments. Tiny moments. It's always the tiny moments; tiny moments that are heaved upon other tiny moments that finally solidify into a massive realization of change.
This is a tiny moment. This is a tiny post. And this tiny post provides a tiny glimpse of my not-so-tiny heart.
But in this tiny moment, I celebrate Rome!
There are a million ways to say it—"A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step"; "Rome wasn't built in a day"; "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it"; "Every mighty oak was once a nut that stood its ground"— But all the cliche's dissolve into tiny moments. Tiny moments. It's always the tiny moments; tiny moments that are heaved upon other tiny moments that finally solidify into a massive realization of change.
This is a tiny moment. This is a tiny post. And this tiny post provides a tiny glimpse of my not-so-tiny heart.
But in this tiny moment, I celebrate Rome!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
2009 Parks Half Marathon
On Sunday, September 13, I raced in the 2009 Parks Half Marathon. Ever since the end of May 2009 I had been working toward this goal. 246.5 miles of training, all for the sake of one 13.1mile run, which for me would be over in 2 hours, 1 minute and 24 seconds. Was it worth it? Absolutely!
It was a day of many firsts for me: first time I’d signed up for a race alone; first time I’d participated in a half marathon race; and first time—I confess—I’d ever run 13.1 miles (the longest consecutive distance I ran in training was 10 miles). But it will not be the only or the last.
There’s something invigorating (or maybe it’s just distracting) about running with a throng that brings out the joy of running in ways that no training run does. Maybe it’s the thrill of doing something that 2500 other people are also excited about—excited enough to wake up at 4:15 on a Sunday morning just for the privilege of participating. Maybe it’s the cadence of thousands of feet hitting the pavement in steady rhythm, all reaping what we’ve sown in weeks and months prior on trails and gyms that stretch far beyond the perimeters of this course. Or maybe it’s just the satisfaction of knowing that in doing this, I am living well—pushing my body beyond its limits and finding out that the boundaries are flexible after all. Whatever it is, it’s thrilling and addictive, and leaves me wanting more. Another race (a marathon?!). Another physical and mental boundary overcome by the force of clear goals and focused training. Another milestone of growth and change. Another reason to believe that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
But in the meantime I’m working on easing my sore hips and quads. I took the day off on Monday, did yoga/pilates for an hour yesterday (which helped a lot!), and today, I’ll run my first 3 miles since the race. As I go, I’ll be dreaming of the next goal and grateful for the chance to continue building on yesterday’s victories, while I run toward a stronger tomorrow.
It was a day of many firsts for me: first time I’d signed up for a race alone; first time I’d participated in a half marathon race; and first time—I confess—I’d ever run 13.1 miles (the longest consecutive distance I ran in training was 10 miles). But it will not be the only or the last.
There’s something invigorating (or maybe it’s just distracting) about running with a throng that brings out the joy of running in ways that no training run does. Maybe it’s the thrill of doing something that 2500 other people are also excited about—excited enough to wake up at 4:15 on a Sunday morning just for the privilege of participating. Maybe it’s the cadence of thousands of feet hitting the pavement in steady rhythm, all reaping what we’ve sown in weeks and months prior on trails and gyms that stretch far beyond the perimeters of this course. Or maybe it’s just the satisfaction of knowing that in doing this, I am living well—pushing my body beyond its limits and finding out that the boundaries are flexible after all. Whatever it is, it’s thrilling and addictive, and leaves me wanting more. Another race (a marathon?!). Another physical and mental boundary overcome by the force of clear goals and focused training. Another milestone of growth and change. Another reason to believe that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
But in the meantime I’m working on easing my sore hips and quads. I took the day off on Monday, did yoga/pilates for an hour yesterday (which helped a lot!), and today, I’ll run my first 3 miles since the race. As I go, I’ll be dreaming of the next goal and grateful for the chance to continue building on yesterday’s victories, while I run toward a stronger tomorrow.
Monday, August 24, 2009
At the beginning...
I can't believe I caved. And I can't believe it was this easy. After years of saying "never" to blogging, here I am... blogging. Why? Long story. Maybe I'll find the words as I grow into this blog. But for now, it's enough to say that I'm doing this to get outside of my skin.
I've been fighting with mild depression for years and I want my life back. Not just the breathe-in-and-out-and-survive-the-day kind of life. The abundant and joyful life. I want to be fully alive in ways that I can't be if I'm depressed. But I don't want to take any meds. I know that medication is sometimes necessary, and I make no judgment against those who take them for depression. It's just that everyone I know who ever has says the side effects are almost as bad (if not worse) as the depression itself. So I'm on a journey to fight back with all the faithful standbys—exercise, sleep, healthy diet, faith, and authentic friendships. And writing. Because while I've never been one to share my deepest thoughts with the unknown masses, I wouldn't be me if I didn't write. And anyway, I've come to believe that there is no such thing as the "unknown masses." There's only me in front of my computer and you in front of yours. I can handle that!
Right now, my exercise of choice is running. Since May 2009 I've been training for my first half marathon, which is coming up in September. Yikes! So, this blog will be about running. About health. About healing. About friendship. About discovery. About goals. About life. Abundant and joyful.
Grace
I've been fighting with mild depression for years and I want my life back. Not just the breathe-in-and-out-and-survive-the-day kind of life. The abundant and joyful life. I want to be fully alive in ways that I can't be if I'm depressed. But I don't want to take any meds. I know that medication is sometimes necessary, and I make no judgment against those who take them for depression. It's just that everyone I know who ever has says the side effects are almost as bad (if not worse) as the depression itself. So I'm on a journey to fight back with all the faithful standbys—exercise, sleep, healthy diet, faith, and authentic friendships. And writing. Because while I've never been one to share my deepest thoughts with the unknown masses, I wouldn't be me if I didn't write. And anyway, I've come to believe that there is no such thing as the "unknown masses." There's only me in front of my computer and you in front of yours. I can handle that!
Right now, my exercise of choice is running. Since May 2009 I've been training for my first half marathon, which is coming up in September. Yikes! So, this blog will be about running. About health. About healing. About friendship. About discovery. About goals. About life. Abundant and joyful.
Grace
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